Coming of Age

We are starting over for at least the tenth time in the last six years, but this time it feels much more real. I think that has something to do with being done with school (at least for now) and having two children.

We have no home, almost no furniture (besides the dresser and mirror in the photo), and no real place that we have to be. We can live almost anywhere because my husband's work is from home and his meetings are all over and my work is right here on the internet (why does that sound so risque?).

We decided on California because we have the most family here, we like being near LA where we can create products and businesses easily, and because the west coast has always felt like home to us, especially to a certain surfer I know.

Still, I yearn for Utah at times. I miss my old neighborhood and our walks to get San Pellegrino's from Caputo's around the corner and a new book for Lucy from the bookshop across the street. I miss being five minutes from everywhere I need to go, including downtown, and having friends on every street and my mother a couple of cities away. It is just easy to live in Utah and sometimes I wonder why we ever left.

I try to remind myself how Jared and I both knew this was the right move for us. And how much I despise cold winters with little ones, how nice it is to be able to have so many opportunities here right at our fingertips, and how overjoyed Lucy is every time she sees her cousins. I also remember how much I yearned for a new adventure and place to explore before we moved, but I always seem to forget that it takes time and struggle before you get the real payoff.

Of course there is always the fear of failure. The fear that we won't be able to make it. That one day we'll realize that working for ourselves is a silly, unrealistic dream and we were just too naive to see it. Or that we'll say that it wasn't worth the sacrifices we had to make.

But I'm going to try to not pay so much heed to my fears any more. Fear has driven my choices too many times to unfulfilling ends. Instead, I'm going to turn up the volume on that little voice that tells me as long as our hearts are in line with God's and we are working hard that we can do anything. Then I'm going to blast the volume on the voice that tells me to be happy now. 

I came across this quote from designer Diane von Furstenberg this morning from an interview she did with Gwyneth Paltrow and it has been ringing in my ears ever since. It makes me feel better about not knowing the specifics:

I didn’t always know what I wanted to do, but I knew the kind of woman I wanted to be.


Jace and Nichole said...

Thanks ellen. I needed that. If it helps, I hope Jace gets a residency over on the west coast somewhere. I miss even the thought of being able to get to California in a day, and I miss pretty much everything about Utah. I hope our paths cross sometime soon.

Paige Crosland Anderson said...

love this.

Kate said...

Great post. That quote at the bottom gave me chills!

Fear: False Expectations Appearing Real- if anyone can succeed at entrepreneurship, it is two talented, smart, hardworking, good-lookin' people on the Lord's side! Keep it up :)

kylie said...

this is beautiful. really helped me today. thank you. (been there, am there)

Evi Figgat said...

Can I just give a big AMEN to all of that? We are in the same boat, as we are finishing up our undergrad degrees. No furniture, no home. Alas, there is beauty in the ability to start fresh. :)

hanner said...

good quote. i totally need to write that one down. my thoughts on this shouldn't be relegated to a silly comment but i've really been thinking about how i'm coming of age... again. it's hard every time! i'm on the cusp of quitting my job and figuring out what i want to do with my life and it's no fun, but knowing what type of person i want to be has really taken the edge off.


It Started With a Wink said...

so understanding, we moved to Colorado from Sugarhouse and boy do I love CO but I miss Sugarhouse just as much!

Liz said...

Love this - Instead, I'm going to turn up the volume on that little voice that tells me as long as our hearts are in line with God's and we are working hard that we can do anything.

Jenna said...

I think it is so admirable and brave what you and Jared are doing! Keep sticking with it- just like you said, you guys chose California for all of those great reasons! :)

I just know you and Jared are both going to succeed, and that your family will make all kinds of new memories and find new favorite places out on the West Coast!

And that quote is AMAZING. So so amazing.

Paule T.B. said...

If you don't know of it, a blog that might inspire you: Sweet Fine Day by Whimsy & Spice. (written by Jenna, a graphic designer, 1/2 of a baking company duo)
They embraced starting a small company, in Brooklyn, with 2 young children. She writes very honestly about her concerns and struggles.

Be strong! :)